I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.