my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
what it’s like dating me:
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.