The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally