[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
You Might Also Like
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The pasta is now
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW