Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Jogging
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.