My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The Assassin.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Kentucky names the shit out of places
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.