grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to