My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You Might Also Like
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’ve been drinking.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.