[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You Might Also Like
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Practicing safe sax
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.