what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
You Might Also Like
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
welp
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.