Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
this will hang in the louvre one day
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”