Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.