i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz