Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday