The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I think about this a lot
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial