Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)