Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
finally
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Sending in my taxes
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
No, he would not have.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.