Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Welcome to the stomach
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!