’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto