“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
And then there were 4
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.