do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The booster protects against what, now?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
#CatsOnTwitter
HOW DARE YOU
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.