My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
concern
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*