Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.