The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.