Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now