[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.