I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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I hope this email punches you square in the face
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Okay
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.