[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing