My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I cannot call her anything else now
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
BETRAYAL
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.