Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.