“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.