Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.