Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Hamburger Hinderer.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.