Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees