Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
You Might Also Like
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?