“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Sex so good you see dead people.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.