This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.