I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family