If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.