I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.