“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
do what now??
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
#SCOTUS one-star review
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.