Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.