Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off