MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.