Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉