Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.