Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me