Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I gave up going to work for lent.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.