COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.