Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?